Gennaro Brooks-Church

Jennifer

U.S. Jewish upbringing, Nicherin Daishonin Buddhist

I don’t like to use the word God because as a child I was brought up to envision God as a man who was judging me. It was like, “the lord is our God, the lord is our king.” Something about God being the actual king of Israel. It was very male for me. I don’t know if that’s such a bad thing, but there was no equality. The way I saw it, they just kind of forgot about women. I felt like I belonged to the Jews as an ethnic group but not the religion.

I lived in a town where you were either Jewish or you were Christian. Not even Christian: you were either Jewish or non-Jewish. I didn’t know much about any other religions. There was always a big difference between the non-Jews and the Jews, but the differences weren’t discussed. We minded our own business. But it was a cultural thing, and not so much religious. For example, in my house we rarely lit the candles on Friday or anything Jewish like that. We were Jewish, our God was a king, and that was that.

Up until I was about eleven I didn’t think much about any of this. Then something happened that really made me think. One day a kid in school asked me if I believed in Jesus, and I said, “I don’t know, I have to ask my mother.” At that moment I realized, “Something’s fucked up here.” I had to ask my mother! And when I went to ask her, obviously I was told that I didn’t believe in Jesus. But I was never told that Jesus was a really great man, that he was this amazing healer and somebody who spoke beautiful, compassionate words to people. So for me it was, “Oh, you believe in Jesus. That’s different from me.”

But things really started to change when I went to Israel at sixteen. I went around and saw where Jesus was born and where he healed the sick. It was amazing. I really learned a lot about other religions. It wasn’t about accepting Jesus or any other religion, but it was about appreciating them. It was about believing Jesus was a powerful being. That was enough. At the same time, I got really into my Jewishness. Being in Israel tapped me into my roots. I have always been a very religious, or spiritual person. I’m a seeker. And I was Jewish, so I dove into that. I just went with what I was ingrained in. But not like when I was young and had to ask my mother about what I believed in. Now I was older and could choose for myself. And I chose it all! I went to Hebrew school and Sunday school twice a week. I learned Hebrew and the Bible. I was batmitzvahed and I was confirmed. Jewish stuff.

Then I went to college and for some unknown reason I became really unhappy. That’s when I started to explore the possibility of being something other than Jewish. I got really interested in the esoteric and occult stuff: psychic healers, Native American Mythology, crystals, Goddesses. I think being around the Grateful Dead scene is what really got me into all that. It showed me that there was more to life, more out there than just what I was taught when I was growing up.

After college I got even more into the metaphysical side of life. I began to realize that I had power inside of me, that I didn’t need a God outside myself to bring out my spirituality. I started to see that I did not need the God figure as I had learned in childhood, although I still loved the ritual of Jewish practice. I went to Yoga classes, I was doing Satsan. I read a lot of books, all the newagy stuff, all the self help spiritual books. I was also introduced to Amachi, a mother guru. She’s a beautiful, beautiful, amazing energy. I got Dahshan by her. I loved that because of the devotional singing and chanting. The sound really opened me up. I loved being in that Guru space, in a room filled with spirit and other loving people. Everything contributed to it; the incense, the music, the people. It was really beautiful.

Not long after that I was still on the seeking path and I got really into God again. The old fashioned Jewish one. I was doing The Artist’s Way. writing a lot about God. I was really into the idea of God helping me because at that point I was almost suicidal. Not suicidal, but I just wanted to die. I was like, “God just come down and take me.” And God didn’t do it! It felt really good to pray to God, to a God, the God who I knew as a child. The praying felt nice. But nothing happened! I was just praying, that was it.

Then one day I was introduced to Nicherin Daishonin Buddhism, and I stopped seeking. I repeated the words “Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo” for an hour and my life turned around. My whole life changed! It was an amazing, amazing experience. I felt happier than I had ever been. So for me, what other people call God, I call chanting “Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo,” which literally means, “Devotion to the mystic law of cause and effect through action, sound or sutra.” To chant is to connect, to get in rhythm with the universe. “The muddier the water, the more beautiful the lotus flower,” Buddha said. Our life is very muddy, and each time you chant you wipe away a little bit of that mud, and you are able to grow and bring out the beauty in life. Every morning and evening I take time for this. In all I chant about two hours each day.

Because of my initial childhood negative image of God, as I got older I tried to change my perception. I went through a lot. Perhaps if I had grown up in a Jewish house that had practiced the rituals more I would have stuck with Judaism, and not felt the need to search. But now I’m a Buddhist. Oh well. Besides, I now believe that this is not the first time I’ve been a Buddhist. I’ve been one for many incarnations.